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Best Places to Take Mom on Mother’s Day in Victoria – Amory’s Top Five

The author at his slouchiest best and his beautiful mother

Surviving Mother’s Day – One Full Day of Mom

There’s two days a year that you absolutely must remember if you want to stay in mom’s good graces… her birthday and Mother’s Day. It goes for all mothers and if yours tells you it doesn’t bother her that you forgot one of her special days, she’s probably plotting to poison you at Thanksgiving.

At least, that’s what *I’d* do if I were a mom and you forgot me on My Day. What? I learned it from *my* mom…

So why not make a real Day of Mother’s Day to show her how much you appreciate her? A full on Mother’s Day, a whole day of Mom, to show her how much you appreciate her not putting cyanide in your turkey. An ounce of prevention and all that jazz…

Follow the suggestions below and you might just live to see Christmas.


Hardback Café
5206 North Navarro
Victoria, TX 77901

Hardback Cafe
Photo by Amory Gritta
You’re going to want to make sure you get mom properly caffeinated if you want to avoid a potential tragedy, namely your death, in the car when you pick mom up at 6am on a Saturday for her day long Mother’s Day. Plus, an alert mom will be more likely to see all of the effort you’re putting into this day just for her and may even score you some brownie points for future events you might miss. We’re trying to stay alive here, people.

I recommend the Hardback Café for coffee. In addition to having some of the best coffee around, they have a special going on where you can get mom a $10 gift certificate and a free cup of coffee with the purchase. It’s a two for one deal and mom is sure to appreciate it when the coffee wakes her up enough to fully recognize what’s going on. Get her a bite to eat while you’re there, perhaps a muffin or a pastry. We want to make sure her blood sugar is up and that she won’t get too grumpy early on.

Gently remind her that this is all for her and how much you love her. Hopefully, she’ll have the grace to allow you to make it to suggestion 2.

Shooting Range:

Victoria Trap and Skeet Club
2616 Perimeter Road
Victoria, TX

Victoria Skeet and Trap Club
An odd suggestion, perhaps, but there’s two things we’re doing here. First off, we want to see how comfortable mom is with a gun in her hands. If she seems completely at ease and relaxed after a few shots, you may want to keep an eye out for weaponry at Thanksgiving rather than poison. You want to be completely prepared, after all.

The second thing we’re doing is checking to see if she can hit a moving target and, if so, how fast the target can be moving before she has trouble hitting it. If she’s really good, you may need to go ahead and get back in the gym… because you never know when you might have to run from her.

This is where the Victoria Skeet and Trap Club comes in. We see how good mom is with a shotgun and how easily she can hit moving targets. It’s best just to let her go ahead and shoot so you can keep any skill or lack thereof a secret.

Important point to make here… Make sure there are plenty of witnesses before mom gets her gun. Just in case she’s already not sold on this whole thing.


Hungry Jacks Thirsty, Inc.
1209 E Airline Rd
Victoria, TX 77901

Hungry Jacks Thirsty Inc.

We have to make sure we keep mom’s blood sugar up. We don’t want her getting grouchy and “ending” the day early. I’d recommend a nice, heavy lunch for mom and maybe just a salad for you depending on how well she did on the moving target portion of suggestion 2.

For one of the best chicken fried steaks in town, I’d recommend Hungry Jacks Thirsty, Inc. Restaurant and Tavern. The food is excellent and sure to score you some extra “grace” points with mom and she’ll appreciate the gesture all the more when you order her something off of the drink menu. We’re not out to get her sloshed, just even happier about being out with us on her special day and a little more relaxed.

Enjoy your salad, smile a lot, make sure mom’s glass stays full while she enjoys her lunch.


The Woodhouse Day Spa
609 N. Wheeler Street
Victoria, Texas 77901

Woodhouse Day Spa
Google Street View
Now we’re going to shine it on. We’re going to take mom in for an afternoon at the Woodhouse Day Spa. Pampering and massages and spa treatments on top of a bit of booze and a big lunch may make her sleepy. Let her nap. If she does, you can embellish how wonderful a time she had. She’ll never admit to missing out on such a great time and you’ll just end up scoring even more “grace” points.

If she does stay awake, don’t worry. After she experiences some of the services available at the Woodhouse Day Spa, you’ll still score points. From The Woodhouse Escape, a series of seven specialized treatments including a therapeutic neck and shoulder treatment, to the Shirodhara Scalp Massage, mom is sure to be fully relaxed and in a good mood when you’re ready to leave.

There is a danger here; mom could be nice and relaxed but more spry after the treatments. Stay on your toes and make certain to keep her in your field of view.


Torin Bales
6007 N.E. Zac Lentz Pky
Victoria Texas 77904

Torin Bales Fine Jewelry
Torin Bales

It’s time to finish out the day with a quick trip to the jewelry store. Never forget mom is a woman and no matter how unadorned she prefers to go normally, I can almost guarantee that she’ll enjoy browsing through the fine selection that Torin Bales has to offer. If she doesn’t, well, it’s likely your mother isn’t human and all that you’ve done for her so far is lost on her inhuman, cold, calculating heart and it would be best to remove yourself as quickly as possible from the scene, perhaps losing yourself in the seedy underside of the city, staying on the move, always one step ahead of your “mother”.

Not that I would have *any* personal experience with that sort of thing. Ahem. Back to the topic at hand.

Torin’s store is sure to impress mom. Show her the Torin Bales collection of fine diamond and gemstone jewelry. Let her admire the sparkly gems. Keep her attention diverted from the William Henry knives. Suggest those are only for mothers who wish to harm their children in front of the nice sales people if she notices them.

Keep in mind she may see something she wants. If she does, pay attention to what it is. At no point should you pat her gently on the arm and suggest you already bought her that and that the poor dear’s Alzheimer’s is kicking in. This is sure to be a deal breaker no matter how perfectly the earlier portions of the day went.

So if you follow these steps, you should be in mother’s good graces for at least a month. Capturing the day’s experiences on camera can extend this grace period, particularly if you email them to her once a week, a friendly reminder that you should be the favorite, and perhaps only living, of her children.

If all goes well, you may safely enjoy your next Thanksgiving without fear of being poisoned or shot.

And after all, that’s what Mother’s Day is all about… thanking mom for our continued existence.

This article is dedicated to my mother, Sharon Bohli, whom I love very much. Without her generous sense of humor and her nearly inexhaustible supply of patience, I would never have lived to see adulthood. It’s also thanks to her that I have a wickedly quick wit and a keen intelligence but she can’t be blamed for my total lack of humility. To you, mom, I say thank you and have a great Mother’s Day. I love you.

P.S. – When I was ten and your favorite necklace went missing, that was totally Stefny and not me. I wanted to point that out, you know, just in case…

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